learning to live again
by zombie4play
Summary: Ellis has to learn to live without Nick after a tragic accident leaves him without the lovable Conman. But in the three years of learning is Ellis finally losing it? And if so, can anyone save his sanity? Rochelle? Coach? A stranger in a bar...?Maybe...
1. words never said

**Learning to live again**

**Hello readers This will be my second fan fiction and I hope that this will be an on going one. I have a vision for this fic and it is a Francis x Ellis romance. But if I don't get any reviews I may just be impelled to leave it as a one shot Nick x Ellis Anguish. Please please review! I sooo want to continue this story if anyone is interested**_._

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><p>Prologue Chapter: Words Never Said<p>

"_Hey Overalls?"_

"_Yeah Jack?"_

"_Do you love me?"_

_Ellis hesitated. "Of course I do." He shifted uncomfortably underneath the dusty and scratchy covers of the bed they had the fortune of sharing. He looked up to meet Nick's eyes which shined with an uncharacteristic tenderness. Nick held a grin on his face as he bent down to nuzzle Ellis in the crook of his neck. After some time he slipped his arm underneath the covers to hook around the mechanic's waist, and in doing so he earned a moan from his southerner. Nick took that as an encouraging sign to leave the now bruising flesh he has been busying himself with to go and nibble on the lobe of his lover's ear._

_Ellis whimpered as he did so. He brought his own arms up to grab his lover's bare back, who had took to taking a new position which left the older man hovering just inches above the country kid. Usually Nick didn't partake in pillow talk. Especially when they didn't make love to each other like they usually did. Nope. They fucked each other. Long and hard. Ellis thought it impossible to snuggle after fuck, but here they where, in a safe house just outside of a carnival overrun by zombies. _

"_Why?" Ellis seemed confused at the question. He looked up at the compassionate conman who went back to focusing on the little bruised piece of flesh on his neck. Slowly and deliberately Nick took the flesh in his mouth working it over and sucking hard and hoping it would leave a deeper bruise marking him as his._

"_Why what?" Nick stopped sucking and detached his mouth from his lover's skin to stare at him. Was it such an impossible question to answer? If so, why then? Nick ran the reasons through his head and one thought caught Nick off guard. What if Ellis didn't love him? What if he was just using him for sex?_

_Ellis may not seem smart at first but when you actually get to talk to him you come to realize that he masks how smart he really is with redneck jokes and his uncanny ability to act like a kid. He was more than capable of manipulating people if and when he deemed fit. And more than capable to take advantage of a man who's sexual tension was about to explode. But he was too sweet to do that. Wasn't he?_

_Nick had a flashback of his ex wife and their so called 'love'. The way that she had munipulated him for his money and his skills in the bedroom. Oh how he thought that SHE was the sweetest thing in the world. And oh how he himself had been conned by a far better player of the game. Oh how he was blinded by that smile and manipulated into a sense of calm and happiness. He gave his heart to her and she stomped on it, threw it in a fire and threw away the ashes. Leaving an empty shell to try and piece back together the pieces. He was so close to giving his own heart away again, but this time to a hick who grew up in a small town of rednecks who probably never used or even heard of the things called soap and deodorant. He wanted to make sure he didn't make a mistake again. No, not this time. The Ex husband couldn't bare anymore heart break anymore. It hurt too much. It felt like someone pulled a red hot pike out of a burning fire and force fed it to you. The sence of loss and lonliness was fare to much to bare. That's why. That's why he had to know if Ellis felt the same way toward him as he did._

"_Why do you love me?" Nick's voice seemed hostile now and Ellis quivered inside the tense gaze that Nick bore down on him._

"_What do you mean Nick? I just do." The hick's southern accent only fell upon deaf ears. Nick had ceased staring at his lover and instead took to looking through him. Nick could tell a lie a mile away, could see the lie as plainly as someone reading it on paper. He could tell when his lovers were lying. And Ellis was lying._

"_What do you mean you 'just do'?" _

_Ellis was extremely confused by his response. Why did Nick have to go spoil the moment with this stupid question? He hesitated, not because he didn't know the answer. He loved Nick with all his heart and soul. If Nick wanted, he would give him the world if he could. He would brave mountains, scorching hot desserts and blistering snow storms and even a zombie apocalypse just to see him smile. He would kill anyone who hurt his conman, be it physical or otherwise. But how could he ever tell Nick that? What if the conman was conning him? Maybe this was all just a game to the lovingly deceptive gambler. Like a board game with pawns and disposable pieces and Ellis just happened to fit into the role of the disposable sex toy that could easily be replaced, if killed or got boring, by some petite little news reporter? Ellis could-no. He wouldn't let Nick on to how much he really feels for the foreigner. Not yet. Not now. Not until he knew that he felt the same way._

"_I don't know what to tell ya Ni-" But before Ellis could finish his half hearted remark Nick's hand came up and slapped him, hard, across the face. Leaving Ellis stunned as Nick moved to get out of the bed._

_Ellis' hand came up to caress the quickly reddening and sensitive part of his cheek. He held back tears that were threatening to fall as he looked up to find Nick who had busied himself with redressing. "Nick what was that for?" Why would Nick be this mad? Why would he have reacted this way if to him Ellis was just a disposable pawn in his sex game?_

_Ellis' voice sounded hurt, not mad like Nick originally thought. He paused after he had his pants on to turn around at the hick. Ellis looked like he was about to cry. That alone would've made Nick think about what he had done on any other circumstance but not this time. No, this time he was mad beyond repair. He was about to give his heart away, again, to someone who didn't love him. He had once again been played. How could he have been so foolish? No, Nick didn't care about the tears in the hick's eyes. Fore he was to focused on the ones that were blurring his own vision. HOW could he have been so STUPID? To finally realize that the kid didn't feel the same way hurt. It sent spurts of heat and ice shivering its way up the conman's back. He wanted to break down and cry. Just wanted to curl up into a ball and let the tears flow willingly. But he couldn't. Not here in front of the man who was the cause of all the pain._

_Nick bawled up his fists and tried to stay calm but failed miserably. He wanted and needed to cry but was unable to do so and that alone made Nick mad as hell. And sure enough, like wild fire, the feeling spread through out his entire body until he was boiling with anger at the innocent conniving man laying in their bed._

"_FUCK YOU ELLIS! FUCK YOU YOU STUPID DUMB HICK!" Nick breath as his voice started to increase. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I LOVED YOU!" Nick clamped his mouth shut as he mentally kicked himself. Had he really just said that out loud? Shit- he had. The answer was as clear as the grin spreading across the hick's face. Why the fuck was he smiling?_

"_You lov-"_

"_DID! AS IN USED TO! BUT NOT NOW YOU DUMB HICK! I FUCKING HATE YOU AND NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR DISCUSTING, UNDER BRED, DEFORMED FACE AGAIN!" And with replacing his shirt on his once spent form he marched out of the room, slamming the door and successfully waking up the other two residence of the safe house._

_Rochelle and Coach emerged from their own separate room groggy and slightly irritated by the rude awakening. Rochelle looked the madder of the two and so in turn she was the first to speak her mind._

"_Nick what the hell are you doing yelling at this kind of time? Huh? Don't you think it was bad enough for the two of us being kept up for most of the night having to hear you two humping each others asses off? Huh? Come on man, a girl needs her beauty sleep too you know." If Nick weren't so pissed off he would have smirked at the idea that the two were listening in on his and Ellis' 'stress release time'. But he was in no mood to argue or even talk. He was hurt far to badly to be his normal cocky self._

"_Whatever." He surprised himself as well as the two other survivors with his voice. It was barley a horse whisper but it had contained so much hurt that it made Nick mentally flinch._

_Rochelle's expression changed as she made her way into the living room of the said safe house and came to be within an arm distance away from the grieving man. "It's ok Nick...__I'm so sorry that I snapped at you..." Rochelle trailed off as Nick ignored her and went to go grab his gun off of a near by table. She looked at him in slight confusion as he checked the barrel of his shotgun for any bullets._

"_Do we have anymore ammo Coach? I'm all out." Nick didn't wait for an answer as he reached on down next to the table to pick his fire ax up off the floor. He needed a cigarette so bad. And he knew just where to look._

_Nick made it half way to the door before the former linebacker decided to chime in on his own opinion._

"_Nick, just where the hell do you think you're going?" Coach had been a silent observer this entire time and he was fed up with it all. He was tired stressed out and GOD DAMN what he wouldn't do for a burger right now. He was so sick and tired of this same old fight and he just wanted everyone to get along for one. FOR ONCE! Was that too much to ask?_

"_Out." Was all Nick's reply as he removed the metal bar from the door and quickly left the safety of the safe house and into the cold unforgiving night._

_Back in the bedroom Ellis was still in shock. Had Nick really said that he loved him? Had he really and truly say that? Ellis' mind raced. Nick really did say it. Those magical three words that he himself longed to say to the conman. Those three words that made your heart soar into the sky and make you feel weightless and on top of the world._

_Ellis was in a world of bliss until he remembered what else the conman had said. He had been in such a state of astonishment that he completely tuned out after he said that he loved him._

_Ellis' searched his memory for the event and found out to his horror that Nick was mad when he left the room. He wasn't just mad. He was downright fuming._

_In his horror struck panic he recalled the hideous things his lover had said to him and all because he didn't say it back. He was too in shock to comprehend what was happening then. But now it came back ten fold. Nick had left him! And all because he so arrogant and foolish to pay attention to what was really happening around him at the time._

_With surprising quickness Ellis was able to get himself redressed and raced to the door. He was so happy, joy seemed to embody himself. He could still fix this. All he had to do was tell Nick how he truly felt and everything would be ok again. Right? How hard could it be? Surly Nick would forgive him and understand, right?_

_Just as his hand reached for the door knob Ellis heard from the other side of the door the sound of heavy metal screeching against concrete. The sound itself made Ellis pause out of sheer terror. He found himself breathing heavily as sweat raced down his face and his palms became clammy. Someone was leaving. Or worse, someTHING was coming in._

_Either way, Ellis burst through the door into the small living room to find to his relief that Rochelle and Coach were ok and well. But it only lasted a moment before Ellis' heart sped up do to the fact that he was unable to locate his lovable gambler. All the blood drained from his face as he realized that the two other survivors didn't even notice him. They were too busy staring blankly at the opened red door that threatened to send in something that could kill them all._

_Ellis was completely dumbfounded. "Oh please tell me he didn't." But without waiting for an answer he was off, running into the icy cold darkness of the night. How could Nick be so stupid? What if he got hurt? Then what? Ellis would never forgive himself if that happened. While in the short time of knowing Nick Ellis had come to think of Nick as a sort of beckon in the darkness that was this world. They were always helping each other out and standing side by side when danger lurked around the corner. No matter what Nick was always there helping him in his time of need. Healing him when he had minor cuts and scraps even when Nick himself was near death ready to collapse in pain._

_It didn't take long to locate Nick. He hadn't gotten far. Just across the street to be exact. Ellis let out a relieved sigh. Nothing had happened to his light. His angel. His life._

"_Nick!" Ellis started toward Nick as he turned around. "Nick I have something to tell you."_

"Leave me alone Overalls!_? I'm still pissed off you know." Nick didn't look angry anymore, just hurt and injured. Why had Ellis come looking for him? Was he not through with tormenting his poor heart? He had come outside to grieve and who happens to come looking for him? The very thing that made him feel like a defenseless new born._

"_I have to tell you something."_

"_What is it already." Nick folded his arms to rest over his chest as Ellis stopped in the middle of the eerily deserted street._

"_You found smokes?" Ellis asked. Not really a question but a statement for he could very well see the lit cancer stick in the man's mouth._

"_That's really what you wanted to ask me? If that's it you're dumber than I thought."_

"_No that's not it-"_

_"Then spit it out already!" Ellis could tell that Nick was getting irritated and he knew it had to be now or never._

"_Nick, I have to tell you that I am deeply and forever truly in lo-"_

"_ELLIS! NICK! LOOK OUT!"_

_Ellis turned to look at Rochelle and Coach who now occupied the entrance to the safe house. Why was she yelling? And why did she and Coach look so terrified? Why were they motioning them to come inside. He wasn't finished talking to Nick. They had interrupted. He wasn't going inside until he was done and things were straightened out. That was for damn sure. _

_It was then that he felt it. The shaking of the ground and the roars of an undistinguished monstrous cry behind him. Ellis quickly turned around and reached out to grab Nick who looked just as horrified as he was, but it was too late. Nick was hit with 300 pounds of full raging muscle to his side. The force of the impact was big enough to knock him off his feet and send him flying into a near-by chain link barricade fence. He screamed out in pain and reached for Ellis to help but did no good as the tank was on him in an instant pounding him into the ground with its mighty fists._

"_NICK! NO!" Ellis' mind couldn't comprehend what was happening, he just knew that his body was reacting without the consent of his mind. Within seconds of the Tank ramming into Nick, Ellis fetched the abandoned fire ax then he himself charged at the Tank, Ax a' blazing. He swung at the Tank not even noticing that he had triggered an alarm on a near by car when he swung the ax and missed the Tank completely. Ellis was completely gone, or at least his rational mind was anyway. He was completely unaware of the rounds of bullets being pumped into the great musled beast. He wasn't aware of the fact that the Tank had turned its attention off of the now limp and bleeding form on the ground and turned its sights onto him._

_No. He wasn't focused on any of that. No. He was focused in on the fact that Nick didn't look like he was breathing and that his loved one might be dead completely shut Ellis down. He stopped running and swinging his ax and just stared at the pathetic looking life form that was pooling in its own blood._

_No. This couldn't be happening. Nick can't be dead, he just can't. No. That can't be Nick. Maybe this was some sort of cold and cruel prank. Yeah. That had to be it. It just had to be. The mechanic wasn't worried about the Tank charging after him. Nor did he take to any rejoice as the thing fell dead just a foot away from him. No. He wasn't there at all. He was somewhere else. He had to be. This was all just some cruel nightmare after all, right? His mind was off. All he could see was when Nick reached out for him to help and Ellis was unable to do so._

_Ellis could feel the blood draining from his face. He could hear the pulse in his ears that he knew as his own. Could taste the stale sorrow in the air. Could even smell the blood that had stilled to a small pool around the limp form. Ellis could sense everything and yet, full heartedly believe that nothing was happening. Nick was stronger than that. Was smarter, braver and faster than that. He couldn't die. He can't be dead._

_As though in a state of false tranquility Ellis slowly walked over to Nick. His body was pooling in its own life blood. His suit was stained with blood, tattered and ripped to shreds, not like his body was doing much better. His chest was beaten in and looked like every bone in his rib cage was broken. His face was covered in cuts and bruises and had blood splattered all over it. His eyes were closed as well and no breath could be heard passing though his slightly opened mouth._

_Ellis knelt down to gently pick up the bleeding conman from the ground and pulled him toward his chest. It was only then did Ellis realize that he was shaking uncontrollably and crying as though the world has ended. And in a way, it did. Nick was his world from the beginning of this damned apocalypse and now he was gone. No. Nick couldn't be gone. He jut couldn't be. He was just here asking for help. Pleading for it. No. he couldn't be gone._

"_Nick? Come on man, wake up." Ellis hugged him tighter to his chest, willing Nick to open his eyes. When Nick didn't respond Ellis tried again. "Come on man. I have something to tell ya."_

_Ellis was so lost in his hopeless pleading for what even a miracle couldn't change that he didn't notice that both Rochelle and Coach now stood behind him. Rochelle was cry into Coach's neck while Coach himself began a silent prayer for his fallen comrade._

"_Please, please wake up Nick. You can still be mad at me if you want but I've still got something to tell ya." His voice was but a horse whisper as he gently shook the lifeless form in his arms. "Nick I can't tell ya if you don't wake up...please..." He had to choke the last plead out. There was a knot in his throat that only worsened the faster the tears fell. Why didn't Nick respond? And why was he so cold?_

_Ellis felt hollow inside. A deep hole of nothingness engulfed him. He wasn't Ellis anymore. He wasn't here right now. Just gone. Poof. Just simply gone from this gruesome, evil, unforgiving infected world._

_Ellis took to rocking himself as he clung onto the once white fabric that he had come to love. This couldn't be happening. Not to him. What had he ever done to deserve this? He had always been a praying man. A good boy. He went to church every Sunday before the apocalypse and helped anyone in need. He always tried to see the brighter side of things and help cheer people up when they were down and where had that gotten him? It gotten him into the streets of an infected town clinging to the last shred of hope that was now gone. And with it, his sanity. It got him hunched over crying to the heavens to also take him out of this world. But were his prayers answered? No, not even close. He did feel dead inside, but that wasn't going to help him any._

"_Why? Why? Why?" Ellis' shacking increased in intensity and his sobs grew so loud that even a witch would feel sorry for the grieving man. Ellis was so lost in his darkness that he literally flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to find that Coach had stopped his prayer, or maybe he had finished it. Ellis would never know, but now he was laying his hand on the mechanic's shoulder as if to reassure him that things will be alright. But they weren't. They never would be. Never again would he wake up with Nick in their bed. Never again would he feel the warmth of the conman's naked body up against his. And never would he say those three words that he wanted to say. That he needed to say. No, never again._

"_Ellis, son. We can't turn off the car's alarm. We should get back inside before a horde comes." Ellis knew that the former football coach didn't intend for his words to be harsh and in all honesty his voice was gentle and sympathetic. But that didn't help the fact that Ellis' eyes grew wide with fear. They just couldn't leave Nick out here in the cold. What would happen if he woke up in the middle of the night? He would be all alone and wondering if they left him behind. But Ellis knew that that was a fools bet._

_Ellis craned his head down to look at Nick. This wasn't at all what death looked like in the movies. There wasn't any sad music and definitely no flashbacks of the person's life. And there was no rain. None. The heavens always looked like they were weeping in mourning for the lost soul. They heavens weren't weeping now, not one tear was shed from above. Did the heavens not take notice of this tragic passing or did they just not care anymore. With having millions of deaths, did God just stop caring along the way? Or did he not want anything to weep for such a sinful soul. Ellis didn't have the time or even the energy to think about it. He didn't want to think about anything anymore. Not without his glue. Not without Nick._

"_Ellis, sweetheart? You have got to let go." Ro tried to sound strong but failed miserably as she started to cry again when the mechanic looked up at her with so much hurt in his eyes. "honey, he's- he's gone." she tried to make a moved to pull the former conman away from him but he clung tight to him and pulled him closer._

"_NO!" Rochelle recoiled when Ellis folded into himself. "Please no. He's all I have." And in his eyes, that was true. He was completely and utterly alone in this __forsaken world. He couldn't let go of his last hope. His light. His reason and only reason to live. He just couldn't._

"_Son-" But even before Coach could finish, his sentence was cut short by the screeching of a fast approaching horde._

"_Ellis we need to get inside the safe house. NOW!" And with that, both Coach and Rochelle had to use all their strength to pry the mechanic off of the bloody corpse of the former conman. Ellis tried to fight but couldn't find it in him. At first he tried to bite, kick, punch, twist and scream. A lot of good that did him. The full blunt of the emotional attack on his heart finally set in as he watched the horde come and attack the body of his dead lover, completely unaware that there were three defenseless survivors struggling to get into the opening door of a safe house. And as Ellis was being dragged into the safety of the house, he felt is vision darken on the one scene that he knew would never be able to get out of his mind. The one memory that will be forever burned into his mind and there it will stay for all of time, even in death. The sight of Nick, his lover, his other half, his life being torn apart and eaten by monsters. His flesh being ripped clean by monsters. Hideously discussing monsters who pray off of others who are too weak to defend themselves. And too dead to even try._

_Ellis woke up with a splitting headache. And as he tried to get up a wave of nausea crashed over him. Flinching in pain he hurled himself over the side of the bed and convulsed. He dry heaved a couple of times before feeling like he emptied himself enough to sit up straight again, this time the nausea was gone but the headache remained. It took all his strength and concentration to pull himself up out of bed and stand straight being cautious of his vomit. _

_He glanced around the room and nearly shut down and cried. Every part of him felt like caving in on itself. And soon he found that he was shacking without any hope of stopping anytime soon.._

_He was back. He was back. Back in this room. The room where it all started. This downward spiral. The room where he last was with Nick. The room where everything fell apart._

_Ellis felt like throwing up again. But he knew he couldn't. So instead he settled for curling up in the corner farthest from the bed and began to cry._

_Why was he still here? Was the world that cruel? To show him where things went wrong. To shove the fact that it was all his fault for the death of his loved one. Ellis ceased in his rocking to gasp in the darkness._

_It was all his fault. It was ALL HIS FAULT! Nick died because of him! I was all his fault. If only he was a little better at controlling his feelings and letting them be known. If only he would have told him sooner than all of this could have been avoided. If only he wasn't him. Then Nick would still be alive. And they would still be together._

_Even if he had been in quicker on his reaction time back when Nick needed him most, He would still be alive and well. But he wasn't and it was all Ellis' fault. And the southerner knew it._

_And that's when it came back. The darkness. The icy cold darkness that seeped into his skin and bones. The darkness that played with his mind and soul. It sent shivers through out his body as he tried so very hard to control himself and keep his mind clear from the haze that was quickly engulfing it. But his tries were in vain as the haze and darkness took over, throwing Ellis into an almost death like state._

_It was all his fault that Nick had died. He was unable to stop him from going out into the open in the middle of the night and he was also unable to stop the Tank in time to save his life. Ellis was useless and as good as a knife in a gun fight. He felt so stupid and weak and oh so very vulnerable._

_What if he was unable to protect Rochelle and Coach next time they needed him. Or even worse. What happens if they already died? He can't remember much of that night. Only the horde and Nick's body being devoured by those sick and hideous infected beings. He couldn't remember anything else, not even for the life of him. Maybe they died in trying to protect him! Maybe now he would have to find a way to save himself and to continue on without anyone by his side. And if that were the case he already knew he wouldn't be able to do it. They must have died, why else would the room and house seem so quiet?_

_Yes, that's must be what happened. After blacking out he must have made his way back into the room somehow. Yea, that's it. That must be it. With all three survivors dead that was the only solution to this weird bizarre puzzle._

_Ellis began to rock himself again, though the tears seemed to stop he still whipped them away from his eyes as though they continued to fall._

_Dead._

_Dead._

_Their all dead._

_Dead, dead, dead._

_He was alone. No. He had himself. Surly he could defend himself if he could only focus on something. Anything. But nothing seemed to make sense to him. Everything in the room seemed real but at the same time not. He himself questioned if he really existed. Maybe he had died too and that is why his mind was so unclear. But if he was dead then where was Nick. Surly he would have waited for him. Right? He couldn't have been that mad at him not to wait for him. It was only yesterday that these horrible events happened._

_Wasn't it?_

_Ellis didn't know how long he had been sitting there thinking about everything that had to do with nothing. He imagined it had been quite some time because when he looked up again he saw that there was light now flushing into the room from a slightly boarded up window that was near the bed._

_Oh surly that light is fake. It cannot be real. Just like everything else in this room it too held no meaning to anything and there fore it ceased to be. Ellis took to staring at the center of the miss-shaped rectangle of light that cast itself upon the floor without so much of a welcoming. It had to have more manners than that to just go and barge in on people like this. Who raised this shining light to be so rude and inconsiderate. Didn't it know better than that?_

_Apparently not because it continued to stay there like it was welcomed into the room. Maybe it thought it was better than everything else. Maybe it thought it was special so there fore common curacy didn't apply to it. Knowing this it made Ellis mad. Why did it think itself so great? Couldn't it just leave a grieving man to grieve? Was that too much to ask?_

_Without hesitation Ellis stood and made his way over to the rectangle of light. "WHERE DO YA GET OFF 'N BARGIN IN 'ERE UNANNOUNCED? HUH? TOO GOOD TA KNOCK YA WORTHLESS PEICE 'O SHIT MOTHER FUCKER!" He began to beat at the light on the floor with his military combat boots, but to no prevail. The light still remained in tact and still so ever arrogant._

_Without succeeding the second time he simply tried a new tactic. Ellis pointed his finger at the window and looked down at the light. "out." _

_But the light remained. "I said 'out'!"_

_Once again the light made no indication that it was moving anytime soon. "Fine ya WHORE! I'll leave the room to find a BETTER one." And with that being said Ellis moved toward the door. But before he left the room he turned and gave once long last look at the invading light. "And you better not follow me there either." And with a smirk plastered on his face he turned on his heels and left the room with the invading light that taunted him as he did so._

_Once out of sight, so the light wouldn't see, Ellis started to once again break down and cry. He wandered around crying, much like a witch, around the ground floor of the safe house. Ellis made it into the living room before collapsing onto the dirty rug to curl up into a ball again._

_Why was everyone he loved gone? Why did he have to be alone? Why?_

_But no sooner did those thoughts come into his mind when he heard footsteps of two things running down the stairs that led to the second floor of the safe house. They were probably common infected come to finish him off. At least he didn't have to suffer alone anymore. He could be with all his friends like Dave, Rob, Keith, his ma and even Rochelle, Coach and Nick. And maybe he could be more optimistic when he died. He hoped he would go to that place up above where he was sure all his friends were waiting for him, but what if he went to hell? What would be waiting for him there? More suffering? Even worse than the pain he already had to endure day after day in this hell hole? No thank you._

_Ellis got up to retrieve the ax that once belong to Nick. It was placed onto a near-by table, he grabbed it and readied himself for the inevitable attack to come._

_But it never came. Instead coming down the stairs were two familiar faces of two survivors, Rochelle and Coach. The mechanic couldn't believe it. They were alive? How could that be? It's impossible. It must be fake. They can't really be alive. Could they?_

"_Oh Ellis! You're finally awake! How are you?" Rochelle declined the last few steps of the stairs just to run up and embrace her injured companion. Coach just laughed and he too wrapped his arms in a warm and welcoming embrace around the shocked man._

_Ellis was stunned. How could nothing have feeling? Unless he too was nothing. So he __had__ been right all along. Nothing in here was real. Nothing. Not even them. Ellis looked at the illusion of the two survivors._

"_Why are we nothing?" Ellis' question seemed to have shocked the two figments of his imagination because they both pulled away to stare at him._

"_Honey you still must not be feeling too well. After all, we did do a lot of traveling while you were out." the vision of Rochelle placed a hand on the man's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze that came along with a reassuring smile. _

_Wait. What? They have been doing a lot of traveling? But if that was so, then they wouldn't be in the same exact safe house that they were in when __it__ happened. Something didn't add up, even in Ellis' clouded mind._

"_We have been traveling?" He asked, determined to get this as clear to himself as possible._

"_Ya son. For about a week now. I had to carry you, along with other supplies on my back, while baby girl here took to firing at the opposing zombies that had the misfortune of getting in our way." the mirage of Coach slapped a hand on the other mirage of Rochelle's shoulder and gave a laugh. "She was pretty great I'll tell you. I wouldn't want to be in the way when she gets going boy."_

_It still didn't add up. "The why are we still here at that safe house we were a week ago?" Now that question really took the illusions of his former comrades to shock._

"_Ellis honey. What do you mean? We are in a safe ROOM. By a bridge just inside of New Orleans."_

_Now it was His turn to be shocked. "But I was in the same exact bedroom where Nick and I-"_

"_Ellis. This place doesn't have any bedrooms. Only a bathroom." Both of the illusions stepped back just to observe his reaction._

_That was impossible! Ellis quickly glanced at the wall where the door leading to the room should have been, but it was a blank wall. Nothing more than a blank brick white wall with the occasional graffiti covering the surface. No. That's impossible. He had just come from there. hadn't he? He couldn't remember anymore. He didn't understand it. It didn't make any sense. It didn't click._

_And as suddenly as the fog and darkness came, it was gone. As if a veil was lifted from his thought he was able to think straight a little bit more. And for that he was grateful. But why had it come. Was he losing his mind? Was he going insane? Even with all those thoughts coursing through his head that wasn't his worst consern. His worst conern was that...what if it came back?_

_He stared at the two concerned figures before him and smiled. He couldn't think about it right now. They had to get rescued._

"_So what's the plan ya'll we finally getting' rescued or what?" Ellis' southern drawl made them feel at ease. They just simply dismissed his previous behavior for being disoriented after a week of unconsciousness._

"_Yep." Coach was so enthusiastic about it. " we radioed in on this walkie-talkie to this guy who is bringing a copter around to come get us. All we have to do is get to the other side of the bridge and then Bam! We are outta here." Rochelle smiled at that. "Yeah. So Ellis, you need to grab a gun and then we'll get a move on." Coach pointed him in the direction of the gun table where Ellis quickly selected a standard M-16 Assault rifle. He quickly pocketed some magazines and headed toward the door where the other two were waiting._

_Rochelle pulled off her health kit and rummaged around in it. And after finding what she had he mind set on she handed the object to Ellis._

"_Sorry that we don't have more food but that's the last of it. The last people here cleaned this place out."_

"_No it's ok. This is great. Thank you so much."_

"_No problem. Now lets get going hon. We are almost there."_

_Coach began to open up the door leading to the bridge before Ellis stopped him._

"_Hey Coach?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Do you have a sharpie?"_

"_I think I do. Why?" Coach reached into his pocket to product a black marker from the confines of the fabric._

"_Ellis snatched it up and ran into the safe room yelling a quick thanks to Coach in the process._

_It seemed like minutes later Ellis re-emerged from the room with a big smile on his face._

"_Boy what did you do?"_

"_No time Coach. He will have to explain himself when were are safe." And with that they began to lower the bridge._

_It took them a while to get across the bridge. They moved together, attack together and survived together. The zombies where everywhere but the managed to all make it to the copter in time before it departed without them. They even made it with three tanks riding their asses. But they did it. They were finally on the copter being wisped away to safety. They had all made it. Minus one survivor. No. Not a survivor anymore, but a legend. Something somewhat of myth._

_Ellis felt a twinge of regret for not being able to recall anything from when __it__ had happened. But he knew he kept Nick's memory alive for people to see one day. And he too would pass on the great stories of him and his buddy Nick._

_But Ellis was soon ripped out of his thoughts by Coach, who was sitting across from him in the copter. "So Ellis. What did you do with that sharpie?" Rochelle, sitting to his left, turned her head to see what he might say. But Ellis wasn't going to tell them anything anytime soon. It was personal. A personal message to the man he loved and to anyone who cared enough to read it._

"_Just a message to a friend Coach. That's all." Coach seemed to believe him so he turned his attention onto Rochelle and they both began to talk about things that meant nothing to Ellis. All he could think about is what he actually said in that 'letter to a friend'. he could still remember writing the words on the cold concrete wall._

_Dear survivors,_

_My name is Ellis and I am also a survivor of Z-day. But this message isn't about me. It isn't meant to be read by just anyone. This is a message about my friend, the love of my life, my one beacon in this hell hole, my friend Nick. He was a great person who always looked out for me. But in the one time he needed me to look out for him, I had failed. He died young. In his prime as well. He was not suppose to die here. He was suppose to die of old age living in a house with his one true love. Be it me or not. Have a yard full of kids and finally settling down. But these guastly things took him away from me and now I am alone in this world. I don't even feel apart of this world now. There is a darkness and it is consuming me. I believe that I deserve it for not being there for my boyfriend. Well... I guess that I can't even call him that. But there was something that I needed to tell him but was unable to do so before he was taken from me. So here's to you Nick, I LOVE YOU! And I always will. You are my one and only. And I am so sorry that I was unable to protect you. So here are my parting words to all of you survivors._

_Don't just give up hope. Pull each other through. Don't make the same mistake that I made._

_Ellis~ _

_R.I.P_

_Nick,_

_A survivor, A conman, my light_

_I'm sorry Nick, that you were_

_Left 4 dead_

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><p><strong>Well this one could have gone better. More emotional to be exact but hey. It gets better if I continue it. This was just a flash back for the real story, so review and I shall write! YEAH!<strong>


	2. enduring is easy, finding is hard

He guys. Listen I HATED my last update. So I am taking it down to replace it with this. It's longer like I had hoped. So people who read my other chapter, This one is revised, so please read and review.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own Ideas. So I don't own the song, or any of the recognizable caracters. And also the name of the city is pronounced (s_i_ya) It is japanese...I know.

Enjoy.

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><p><strong>Chapter one: enduring the pain is easy, <strong>**finding the pain is hard**

_Every where I turn I hurt someone_

_But there's nothing I can say to change the things I've done_

_Of all the things I hid from you_

_I cannot hide the shame_

_And I pray someone, something will come_

_To take away the pain_

It hurt.

The pain emanated from the very core of his being. Sending shockwaves of the unpleasant sensation coursing new through out his body with every new thump of his heart. The pain was all he knew, was all he could feel.

Pain.

Self inflicted pain that was caused by his own hand. He knew it was wrong, somewhere deep down he knew. But even though he knew it was wrong, the pleasure he got from it discontinued those thoughts quite quickly. It was wrong, yet, it just felt so...

Right.

The pain helped him mask what he truly felt. And that was nothing. The horrible void in what seemed to be in everything had consumed him long ago, leaving a ghost of a man in its devastating wake.

Over the past three years the emptiness was allowed to grow and remained untamed and unkempt for so long that now it was near impossible for its victim to over come it. But then again, he never tried.

Never.

Not once.

He always thought it was pointless. Why bother? He knew it wasn't normal to not feel, he knew. So what did he do? He tried to be normal, tried to feel something, and that something, was pain.

To be honest, he would have probably offed himself the first year. He sure felt then. He was hysterical for those few months. Hey, at least he felt then. Like dying, but at least he felt that. He recalled coming up with millions of ways to do it too, ranging and scaled from no pain to agonizingly painful, which usually involved a shot gun bullet piercing his cranial cavity or his personal favorite, drowning, but he never followed through on anyone of those plans. And why? Because he was a coward.

He couldn't do it. Those ideas terrified him to think that no matter what, he wasn't able to help anything, not even _him._

He knew he was deluded, he knew he needed help. And he knew he wasn't strong. He knew, dear lord did he know.

He knew...right?

He wasn't alright. He was broken inside.

His existence was worn.

In the three long ,tedious, life draining years. In those excruciatingly long months, weeks and days, it was as though he lived his long existence on the cruel world all over again.

He was tired. Just so god awful tired.

And alone, we mustn't forget that.

The good lord knew that _he_ was suffered to remember that.

All alone.

No friends.

No family.

Not anything.

Although he did have a companion. And his only companion to watch his decline into insanity? The horrible numbing and , in addition to, this new sensation of agonizing darkness. The very things that consumed him, body, mind and soul. The things without form, without shape that inched their way up his skin and seeped into his bones. Slowly and painfully merging into his very self. They was a part of him now. No, that's not right. They were him now. He was nothing. Only nothing and always nothing.

Nothing more and nothing less.

But then again, nothing was less than something that was condemned to forever be nothing.

That make perfect sense.

It used to hurt. To think of himself as nothing, but the years had changed him profoundly. And not just his mind's ... Condition. Those voices he hears and all his suicidal thoughts. No, he himself had changed on the outside as well. He looked ok, after all he was only 26. No facial hair save for the occasional five o' clock shadow, but other than that, none. When he spoke, no hick accent could be found at the very surface of his rather smooth talking voice. That he had grown out of rather quickly after leaving his home in Savannah, but still, if you look for it, you will find it. It's there somewhere hiding in the far depths of his larynx. His overalls and other assorted hick accessories had been discarded long ago, replaced by dark material, often with long sleeves accompanied by blue dark jeans.

Yes, those three measly years had changed him, and he believed it wasn't for the better.

It never could be.

Within those years he knew he would never rid himself of the crushing darkened haze he knew all too well, nor did he ever truly try. It was familiar. And he needed familiar. So with limited social contact he himself became his only companion. His 'darkness' as he once called it, was almost always there. Cloaking him into a world of his own. A world by himself. A darkened world.

He didn't remember when 'it' first started to come back but when it did the fog returned. The fogish haze draped over and clung to every part of his mind, shrouding him in shadows. He knew it was unhealthy to think of something that was not real as a friend, but the darkness would never leave him. He knew that for a fact, it was always there.

Watching.

Waiting.

Ever so silently, as though a hunter would its pray.

The darkness he knew was inside of him grew every day. Gradually intensifying as he let it consume him for the longest time. He knew what its main goal was, Degeneration. To propel its victim into the utter oblivion of hell formally known as insanity.

At least he thought it to be insanity. After all, he had never heard voices inside his head before. Nor did he, though seldom, see apparitions before the darkness took its hold on him.

And the worst of it all?

He didn't care.

No. That's not right. He would care, if he knew...

Ellis could honestly say that he didn't mind the fact that his brain was slowly deteriorating into jello. In fact, he didn't even know there was a problem with him, the years of living with the wrong had left him in a false sense of normality. He, was normal, and everything else, every_one_ else, was a lie.

What's the name?

God! He was so numb. So painstakingly numb. Just so goddamn unfeeling.

Ellis sat rocking himself in the farthest corner of his bathroom. Perched between the tub and the toilet he began to cry. For what, even he didn't know. The lights, turned off, portrayed a picture painted black. The darkened shadows stretched across the crying figure, as though trying to reach him with long fingers belonging to a cloaked specter. Darkened fingers, cold, hard, dead.

Through his violent sobbing he leaned his elbows on the two objects beside him. Bringing his hands to his face he began to caress his head. Just sitting there, wide eyed, gasping for breath and visibly shaking, he sat.

He hated when these 'fits' came. He was always powerless to stop them from happening and powerless to make it end. His crying was so violent it hurt. But he welcomed the pain of what it brought him. And he believed he always would.

The tears, hot and flowing, slowly slid down his face. The heat was welcomed as well, even though it felt like someone was tracing the path of the tears with a dagger, ripping into his flesh causing his tears to turn red.

And in a way, he was half right.

What's the name?

Ellis sat there for god only knows how long before his mind started to wander as far as the haze allowed. It wasn't far. He wondered why he always put up with it always blocking him off from not only his own thoughts but his own actions. It seemed as though that this cloud covering his mind in a blanket of eerie fog always controlled his actions and everything he does.

He felt restricted. As if trapped inside his own mind. He wanted out, or at least he did in the beginning. But now, he felt at ease with it. If something else was in control of his body then he could not be held responsible for anything his shell of a being did. That thought put Ellis at rest. He didn't want to be held responsible for anything, not when it was not his fault.

He thought about the town where he settled down in. It was a hick town, but it wasn't. It was as though the two worlds of the city and the country combined itself to form a hybrid town. A place that couldn't decide on what it wanted to be, so it did the only thing logical and combined itself to form the mutation he had the _honor_ of living in.

And the inhabitance of this mutation? Survivors, survivors like him, yet, not. All these people in town were happy, carefree and optimistic. So fucking optimistic. It sickened him to no end. It was as though they didn't lose anything to the damned apocalypse. And some, maybe they didn't. Those were the fortunate ones. The ones that got to the evac on time, those who god were on their side.

This place could and would never be Savannah. He hated this place, with his heart and soul. That was, if he still had both those things left. He didn't know. He always felt so hollow inside, so dead. This place would never be home and he knew it. This little town had all the traits Savannah had; a church, good people, nature, but it wasn't Savannah, it was not his home.

He didn't belong here. No matter how many times his two friends tried to convince him otherwise. Rochelle and Coach were just being too nice. They both very well knew he didn't fit anywhere in this town in which they lived, they knew he didn't belong. HE knew he didn't belong. And he didn't just mean this small city town he had settled down into. No. He didn't belong to this world anymore. Didn't belong to Earth, didn't belong to god. Didn't belong to the realm of reality nor himself. He just didn't belong.

_How could nothing ever belong? _

The name? What's the name?

Ellis, in the past, could have told when his 'fits' were beginning. But now, his 'fits' took over every minute of his expired existence. But now? Now he couldn't even distinguish reality to the illusion that portrayed itself to be the real thing. Now, it was his life.

Wait, did he still have a life? Could he call this empty hollow shell that he had become, life? Or was he merely just lifeless, gone. Not dead but close.

Ever time he had those horrible feelings. Those horrible feelings that coursed though his veins and pumped themselves throughout his being made him sick. He couldn't deal with the emotional pain that he was forced to endure day in and day out.

_It's your fault..._

Schizophrenic!

_There's no way out of this dark place_

_No hope, no future_

_I know I can't be free_

_Well I can't see another way_

_I can't face another day _

Ellis gasped.

That voice! Oh god-damn-it! Please not the voice! Anything but that!

His eyes widened in sheer terror as he shook violently and retreated into himself even further. Thrashing his head about, he forcefully applied pressure to his head. The pressure hurt, yet his hands continued baring down even harder onto his throbbing skull. He had hoped the self induced pain would stop the voice he knew was just in his head.

He had no such luck_._

"Please no... I didn't do it. It's not my fault."

_Yes, it is. And you know it..._

"NO! Oh please no! I didn't mean it, I swear!" _Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You're just my imagination! You're not real! _"Just GO AWAY!"

He didn't want to hear it, couldn't hear it. But not for the reasons you may think. The only reason why he couldn't listen to that voice that so smugly replied its answer was because he knew, he knew deep down inside, that the voice, it was right. It WAS all his fault. But even though Ellis knew that he was the cause of his own suffering didn't mean he had to accept it. After all, it was easier to blame others for his own mistakes. It was ok to blame other people, other humans, other survivors, for his pain. It was only natural...it was only human.

_Yes Ellis, go and blame others for your own stupidity. Believe what you want, but you know deep down inside that it is your fault. Even if I am the only part of you who will admit it._

Of course the voice had heard his thoughts. It WAS his thoughts.

"NO! You are NOT me!" Ellis practically shouted his response in fear. Why was this happening to him? Surly that voice inside his head was not his own. Was it just another one of his illusions or just an imposter using his voice? Sure it had his voice down to the 'T', even with his subtle hick accent, but it couldn't be him. Could it? After all, Ellis' own voice was caring, sweet kind, this voice was void of all emotions. Cold, uncaring, heartless.

But then again. That was the key word, was, wasn't it?

"You're too cold hearted to be me..."

_Oh? Have you took a peek of what you have become Ellis? All these years alone have turned you cold, heartless...sick. You can't hide it from your own self any longer. Ellis, I AM you. I am the you, you have become._

"No..." The word didn't really come out as a strong resistance, but more so a weak recognition of what he knew to be true.

_Yes, accept it, accept the fact that I can help you._

"Help...me?"

_Yes. Look at you wrists._

He did.

_What do you see?_

Blood. He saw blood for one thing. The blood that beaded out of the small slits caused by the razor blade he had obtained long ago. The blood seeped gnarly lines of blood that ran down his arms onto the tile of his bathroom.

"Blood." His voice was scratchy, as though he hadn't used it for years. But he knew that was wrong. He had talked just moments before. Had he not?

_Good. What else?_

He didn't want to look again. He was ashamed of what he had resorted to. He was disgusted and sickened but then again, why should he be ashamed when he was alone?

He looked.

He saw within his closed had a blade. The razor blade he realized. It was rusted with very dull edges, but the rest of the blade was quite sharp it seemed, if it was able to cut so cleanly.

_You are doing a very good thing with cooping with the pain like you do. Cutting is a great way to deal._

_"_Yeah?"

Ellis knew he liked to cut. He loved it. No-. He thrived off of it. Every time he had to deal with the outside world, every time he had to deal with people laughing and smiling like the apocalypse had not even happened, or it didn't effect them at all, every time he saw people being happy like that, it always made him mad but to a greater extent, sad. Bitter-sweet actually. They all reminded him of what he lost and how naive he had been, how stupid, how alive. He didn't just hate them, he loathed them. So much in fact that he wanted to kill them all and show them how much pain was hidden Behind his obviously fake smile he had always plastered on his face once out in public, around his 'friends' and at the garage.

But never once did he think it was ok. Even though it helped a great deal better than that stupid therapist that his so called friends recommended he go to. He'd rather be at the garage fixing up a rusted piece of shit car instead of going to that over paid ass fucker.

And oh how he despised the garage. The smiling people, the happy and care free people. The ones god favored during the apocalypse, the ones that lost nothing. It made him sick, and he longed for the hour to strike when he can come home and relieve himself of the pains that people caused him for the day. And what better to relieve the pain than with a sharp blade slicing into the very thing that spreads lived through out his empty shell.

"How?"

Ellis' voice seemed dreadfully eager. He knew he shouldn't have been portraying such emotion for such an appalling thing. But what else could he do? He wanted to feel so bad. He missed that optimistic kid he once was. How could three years change someone so much? He used to love going out with his friends, Keith and Dave, to the bar almost every night, but now he didn't have a single guy friend to do that with. Nor did he want one.

_Listen, so all you have to do is…_

"Is...?"

_let go…_

_..._

"Let go?" What did the voice mean by that? Let go…?

_Yes, let go…_

"Let go of what?" What did it mean? Ellis knew he was out of it, but he should have been able to comprehend the words that his mind was telling him.

…

And when the voice seemed to have left him, he panicked.

"Please tell me!" Ellis franticly looked around the darkness of his bathroom to find the voice he knew he couldn't see. "How do I get rid of this nothingness? HOW? I need to know, please…I'm so lost…" Beads of sweat rolled down Ellis' forehead as he began to quiver ever so slightly. He didn't think, the voice was himself right? Or at least the sane part of himself that is. But if the voice was himself then he wouldn't ditch himself right? He wouldn't leave himself to hang out and dry. Would he?

_No, I would never do that._

He realized he had been holding his breath, and that his lungs were in desperate need of air or else he risked passing out or worse.

He breathed.

"Then please…tell me…what do I have to let go of?" He sounded desperate, and the reason why? Because he was.

_Everything._

He blinked.

Did he just hear it right? Give up on everything? Everything? Ellis was horrified, not of the mere fact that his mind would think that but by the fact that he was liking the solution that this other half came up with. He liked it. He didn't feel at all like he belonged so why not let it all go.

He had nothing left, nothing to hold him down to sanity, nothing left to keep a hold of, not since he lost _him._

This realization of that fact left Ellis with a sense of ease. Why didn't he think of that? He already didn't belong, didn't associate with the beings that were quickly repopulating the Earth, he didn't even go outside that often. So… who would miss him if he let go? He could very well answer that question. No one. That's who.

This fact brought tears to his eyes and the loud cries that emanated from his throat. One person who have missed him if he were still here. But he wasn't and couldn't miss him. Ellis folded into himself. The darkness weighed down on him and a heavy could of despair misted the room making it hard to breath. _He_ would have missed him. Would have made the nothingness go away. But he wasn't, so he couldn't. he wasn't here and he never was coming back.

_Tell me where, did I go wrong_

_Everyone I love there all gone_

_I'd do everything so differently, But I can't turn back the time_

_There's no shelter from this storm inside of me_

Ellis ceased in his suffocating sobs as he once again recalled that horrible night that was so bitter-sweet. The day that he lost everything. The day he found something, and the day he had lost it. He hated to remember. All that memory brought him was pain, despair, sorrow, and... nothing.

_Yes, you know that too. That night caused you to alienate yourself from the others. What more do you have?_

Ellis cringed at how hollow yet feeling the voice sounded. It made him wonder if it truly cared about his well being. "Nothing."

_That's right. All you have is me. Now…SAY IT!_

He didn't hesitate. "All I have is you." He began to weep, but softer this time. This was true to an extent. He did have himself and he would never leave himself.

_Trust me._

Could he? Could he really trust something he couldn't see? But then again. You can't see air. And you always trust that air will give you oxygen to live. You trust love and you trust faith. Hell, people even trusted god and they never once seen him. So why the hell could he not trust himself to lead him in the right direction? He knew the voice was waiting for a response, so he gave the answer they both knew was inevitable to fight.

"OK."

Two hours brought Ellis to the town he despised ever so much. It wasn't the town itself that he hated, more so the people in it. He never really looked around to notice its true beauty, with the spring passing right through the very heart of the town and the wonderful nature of things mixed in with old buildings littered with ivy and colorful graffiti that should be considered more art than vandalism. He didn't even take notice of the cars that passed him by ever so furiously. No, he didn't notice the witty writings for loved ones dearly departed or the beautiful cemetery or the wonderfully nice people that always seemed to wave to him. Nope, he only saw its horrible deformity that he saw through his own mind's eye.

The wind blew, ruffling his hair as he made his way swiftly from his side of the city town to the other, where he knew the river widened. The sidewalk he walked on was made of concrete as any other city and the buildings were tall and the sky held no clouds in its grasp. People hollered to him a howdy or a what's up, but Ellis paid them no heed as he kept his gaze fixed on the ground.

Ever so often the mechanic would look at a person's friendly face as they spoke to him, and he wondered if any of them knew he was an emotional time bomb. But then again, they won't have to wait long until the truth came out. After all, he wasn't actually in his right mind. Hasn't been for years. But these people soon would know that.

Yes, if everything goes according to plan, not every long indeed.

The cement path gradually shifted to a hard dirt road leading to the outskirts of the mutation he called home. Ellis had never been this far out from his home before, so he was very skeptical to continue as he read a huge red sign nailed to a tree near the road.

_"Saya's city limits. Not protected by the city's guard. Leave at your own risk."_

The risk that is, were the zombies.

Ellis knew, he wasn't stupid, that not ALL the 'infected individuals', as CEDA had once put them, had perished in the burning.

He looked down the long widening path and all he could see were the burnt charcoaled remains of what was once an overgrown forest. The land was charred and the trees looked as though they were toothpicks standing out amongst the ruins. But everything was black and nothing grew to replace what had been lost. In this place, time too, had a horrible effect on things.

If he continued on this dead path he would be at the risk of the infected. And he knew this, even as his mind willed his body to advance.

He advanced.

And in doing so, he made himself walk alone in silence. No noise came from the dead forest, no signs of wildlife, but then again, what wildlife? Nothing could live in such horrible ruins, not even the cockroaches.

_There's no way out of this dark place_

_No hope, no future_

_I know I can't be free_

_But I can't see another way and I can't face another day_

Ellis didn't spend much time sightseeing until he found the river. It was wide like he knew it would be. And as a bonus, there was no infected around, common or otherwise. The river didn't look too deep, but depth wasn't what he had set out to find. What he had set out to find were the wicked rapids that twirled around in the it really wasn't the rapids either, but the noise. The noise of the rapids were so loud that almost nothing could penetrate the sound barrier that thing produced.

It was perfect.

Just like the voice had said.

Almost nothing could be heard over it. Not a scream. Not a plead. A prayer.

A gunshot.

Yes. Defiantly not a gunshot. And as 'luck' would have it, Ellis was able, and going to, test the theory himself.

Ellis shuffled his way to the edge of the river. The atmosphere was heavy, the air, thick with dust particles. The sky was still as blue as ever, so cheerful. It didn't belong in this gruesome image of a forgotten waste land.

The sorrow was suffocating, making Ellis have to swallow huge gulps of air to keep from passing out. He fell to his knees and as he cradled himself he reached into his pocket to pull out a black gleaming weapon.

A gun.

The desperate man turned it over in his hand. The pistol was black and dented. Showing that this gun had had a good life of use. That this gun was a trust worthy gun. After all, it was Nick's. Proof of the ownership was the big 'N' engraved on the butt of the gun's handle.

The mechanic smiled at the memories of his loved one cleaning and polishing the very same gun he had in his hands every night. Him taking it all apart just to put it back together again within a matter of seconds. He remembered when he asked Nick how he re-assembled the gun so fast and all that he got in response was, "In my line of work El, you've got to know how a gun works." When Ellis had first heard the conman's answer, he had thought that there was no one cooler than the man that stood before him. He was filled with so many mysteries and secrets that, to Ellis, he seemed like a human shape jigsaw puzzle. Something the mechanic was always up for.

But now all Ellis wanted to do was clean up the mess of all the pieces, put them all in the box and never look at them again. He had nearly finished it, the jigsaw puzzle, when he realized that pieces were missing, never again to be whole.

He needed to do this. For his own sanity. He couldn't live like this anymore. No, not like this, he just couldn't live anymore. He was done with the heartache, done with the loneliness, done with the breaths that he always had to force into his needy lungs to sustain his pathetic excuse for a life. He. Was done.

Everything seemed to satnd still as Ellis fummbled and nearly dropped it while he loaded a single bullet into the gun. He slowly cocked it and examined his surrounding. He was too far out of the city for anyone to hear him. No one would miss him. Hell, even if someone found him missing, it would already be too late. Far too late.

He really didn't feel anything. No emotions passed through his seemingly emotionless eyes. No pain, no regret, not anything, all that there was was darkness.

It had told him to do this. It was looking out for him, right?

It was looking out for his best interest.

It was his friend.

...

Right?

Right.

Ellis had tears in his eyes. He had always been an outward crier, and at one time he never was ashamed of it. But now he hated when the things came. He fell to the ground, his legs were unable to sustain his weight anymore.

Why did he have to die? Why did _he_ have to die?

He didn't understand it at all. But then again, why should he? He was going to die anway. So why not end it all now? Make it easier on him. Make it less painful, and if he didn't understand why he was doing it then, who cared?

He didn't.

So, shaking for no reason, he lifted the barrel to his head and listened. For what he did not know. Maybe he hoped that deep down inside that someone actually cared enough to go looking for him? Or maybe he wanted to listen to a world with his presance one more time before he so effortlessly ripped one more being from this world. He was good at that.

And he guessed that, what better way of going out of this world than doing what you were best at.

And with that in his mind and a distant noise of water, he closed his eyes and tightened his finger on the trigger.

_BANG!_


	3. A vain attempt

**Learning to live again**

**By **

**Zombie4play**

**Diclaimer: I own nothing but my own ideas. No characters are mine.**

**Sorry it took so long I was in a Rut. I do hope you all will accept my most mumblist of apologies and I hope this chapter was worth the wait. So review and enjoy. **

**Chapter two: a vain attempt**

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears_

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

_Cause your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone!_

_..._

_..._

_..._

_...Kid..._

There was no pain.

There wasn't anything.

He had failed.

Only the sense of death lingering in the air told Ellis that he had failed in his attempt to...well...he couldn't say kill himself, that sounded too barbaric for what he was doing. So, he had failed in his attempt to...end what never should have began.

No pain.

No, that's not right. He had a headache, and he felt nauseated. Woozy even.

God he felt terrible.

Ellis, opening his eyes, finally became aware that the river's mist was coating him like a wet blanket. His vision was blurry as he held his stomach and looked down to search for his gun. He didn't look long to find that it was still in his hands, cocked and loaded.

Then...wha-

"Hey Kid! You got a death wish or somethin'?" The voice was deep and pissed off.

Ellis didn't recognize the voice that spoke so brutally to him. He looked up to his left to see a man, clad in black, standing on top a rock not 10 feet away from his hunched over form.

He wore black leather pants complete with a black sleeveless vest. Black shirt, Black boot along with black fingerless hand gloves, that made this shaven head, goatee wearing man, look total badass.

And if Ellis were paying any slight bit of attention to this man, he would have probably noticed that he wasn't bad to look at. In fact, he was quite easy on the eyes.

But he didn't. But he did flinch as he saw the man cock the shotgun in his hands. Ellis was far too distracted by the fact that he still drew stale breath into his lungs to process the man's words that he had spoken not moments before.

"Hey kid? Are you ok?" The man's voice was kinder now, almost portraying a sense of worry in his otherwise angry voice.

The mechanic knew that he should have said something but he also knew that he was unable to do so. He was still alive. And he was sure that this man was responsible of that happening.

Why couldn't the world just let him die? Was it just too much to ask?

Ellis felt like crying and cursing the world, and he would have, if there weren't someone to see him do so. So instead of crying and instead of getting angry, he turned slightly to the other man and with much concentration, the he spoke.

"Who are you?"

"Wait hold up there kiddo. I need to fucking get this straight. So, when I asked questions that you don't answer and then you feel like I should answer when YOU ask your question?" He placed his gun in its holster strapped on his back. But when he was done, he crossed his arms and took to staring at the miserable figure before him.

God did the boy look pathetic. Francis looked him up and down and didn't like a thing about him. Well...Except his eyes and his face. But everything else about the boy he hated. He hated how the boy was so thin and scrawny; as if he hadn't eaten anything since the day he was born. He also hated all the black clothing that draped over his body like some sort of, well, drapes.

The clothes, the attitude and the frown on his face, Francis didn't know why but he knew those things didn't fit the boy.

But those eyes and those plush lips completely made up for everything the boy had done to piss him off. Overall, the boy was, dare he say, cute.

Francis snapped out of his own thoughts as the boy began to speak. His face changed to show an uncharacteristic shade of pink and he was thankful one again for the goatee he had. He didn't want this kid to realize that he was just checking him out.

"I'm sorry, ah... I'm ok." He knew he sounded groggy and the sentence that he had vocalized, too, sounded slow and forced. But Ellis didn't care; he had given him his answer.

"Well thank you very much for FINALLY answering my question." He said with a sarcastic tone. It was better to play it off and not say what was on his mind. "Now my second question, do you have a death wish kid?"

Ellis looked at him with a pained look in his eyes. "Well, I-"

His voice was almost sympathetic in a way. Francis looked into the almost pleading stare from the younger man. Why didn't he use the gun? From what Francis could tell it was cocked and loaded.

"Well-"

"You got a gun there. Why didn't you use it?"

Ellis glanced down at the gun that was in his hands. He _had _in fact planned to use it but he was kind of interrupted in his attempt in doing so.

He was going to say something somewhat of an apology but then something struck him.

"Why did you fire at me?" Ellis' accusing gaze returned to the man standing on the rock. "Why did you shoot at me?"

Ellis may have been imagining things but he was sure that for a slight second the man had a look of confusion on his seemingly snarled face. But if it was there at all it quickly disappeared to instead be replaced with anger.

"What The FUCK Are You Talking About?"

Looking down at the ground he stayed calm. "You heard me. Why did you shoot at me?"

"Are you fucking stupid-"

"NO!" Jumping up from his hunched over position. He balled up his fists and shouted at the top of his lungs. "I ain't stupid ya dumb-" _hick? _No, that wasn't right. Ellis' eyes filled with angry tears. What did he have to do to be left alone? Why couldn't he just end it all? Why had his plan failed? Was God laughing at his futile attempt? He must be, otherwise, why would this over grown vest wearing monkey be here?

"I ain't..." A sudden pain ignited in his back. It felt like it was burning him. He felt light headed, he felt sick.

He felt alive.

And that was the problem.

"Why?" He glared at him. "WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME DIE!" His sobs came out in forced gasps. He needed air, but he didn't want it. He wanted the pain to go away, but it wouldn't.

"Why did you... why? WHY DID YOU SAVE ME?" The ex-mechanic saw black lace and frame around his vision, blinding him from all sides. At this rate he was going to pass out and from what, he could not tell.

The man only stood there as he saw the kid before him slowly fall to the ground. He was sure he was unconscious and with what almost happened to him he really couldn't blame him. But DAMN! The kid was fucked up in the head! Why had he yelled and insulted the man who had just saved his life?

Francis shrugged off the thoughts that formed in his mind as he walked over to the unconscious man.

No matter how badly the kid was fucked up in the head, he sure was cute. His face was damaged a bit, having scars peppering his face, but that only made the man just that more attractive. And his long curly hair. Francis had to admit, he had a sort spot for brunettes.

"Oh shit Francis, you idiot, this kid needs help and all you're doing is staring at his adorable facial features!" Francis mentally slapped himself for being so stupid. Talking to himself had become a common this, ever since...

He didn't want to go into it. So with picking up the kid bridal style, making sure to not touch the seemingly deep gash the boy had on his back. He made a quick mental note of the gun that the kid was holding he turned back on the body that lay bleeding out of its wound. Its face consorted in a hideously snarl.

"Damn kid. You're just lucky I came along when I did."

And with walking toward the town Francis didn't even have to look back to know that he had gotten a headshot.

_I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

Ellis groaned as he opened his eyes. A wave of nausea came quickly to greet him as he quickly shut his eyes again to protect them from the blinding light that seemed to emanate from above him.

Was he dead?

No. Not with this much pain.

The pain seared him from every possible angle that he could think of. Ellis knew that if he moved he would be in a world of hurt. The pain mostly emanated from his back and the stinging sensation laced its way around to engulf his whole body.

So he wasn't dead. That was for damn sure.

So then what?

This time Ellis was cautious as he slowly re-opened his seemingly sensitive eyes. He let his eyes adjust to the light to let his eyes scan around the room to take in his surroundings. Everything seemed to be white. The curtains, the bed he was laying in, and even the floor tile and walls. He hadn't been in a place like this in years. For about three, if he could roughly estimate it out.

He was in a hospital.

And with further surveying he found that he was not the only person in the room. Along side him on the far side of the room was a man. He was in a bed much like the one that the ex-mechanic was in now, but this patient seemed to be sleeping. Or well, Ellis could only hope.

Why did _he_ get to be so lucky?

Ellis was closer to the window than the other man and the light he had thought was artificial was actually the sun itself shinning in to greet the man who was forced to stay in this world longer.

Everything was kind of a blur to him. He remembered the gun and the water but what-

THE MAN!

How could he almost forget that jackass?

The one that ruined his life.

The one that shot at him.

The one that saved him.

It all came rushing back to the front of his mind like a raging sea. The horrible timing, the ringing in his ears, the man.

Ellis felt angry tears start to pool in his eyes as he whipped them away. He was embarrassed, who wouldn't be? After all, who could possibly fail at their own suicide? Apparently he could. Ellis shifted in his bed uncomfortably. The sheets were too scratchy for his tastes and the hospital gown that he had on wasn't helping in the least.

Ellis lifted himself up onto his elbows, being weary of his newly wrapped cuts along his arm, to glance out the window, but he was unable to see anything but the top of a near by building. Gosh, he must be really high up. Ellis whistled and sat back into his big bed pillow.

"You my new room mate son?"

Ellis snapped his head around to find the source of the voice that had spoken to him. The man that lay in the bed across the room was now awake and staring at him. Now that he was awake the former southerner was able to examine him fully. He had white hair underneath a green fisher's hat and the smile that was plastered to his face strangely reminded Ellis of himself long ago.

But that Ellis was dead.

And he never was coming back.

The man must have known that the stranger wasn't going to give him an answer anytime soon so he just continued like the question was already answered.

"You must be, after all, you're in here." He seemed to chuckle to himself. "You're a quiet on ain'tcha?"

Ellis merely stared at the man. He was an older fellow, southern, maybe around seventy. At least sixty, that was for sure.

"So, what'ca in here for?" The old man, with some effort, sat up to be able to see his roommate more and when the other didn't answer he continued. "Oh, sorry 'bout that, keep forgitt'n that ya'll ain't a talker."

Ellis laughed bitterly. "If you had only heard me not three years ago."

The old man, not detecting the bitterness that laced in the younger's voice or simply choosing to ignore it, chatted away. "Ain't you a youngin." He laughed. "You kind of remind me of myself long ago sport." His smile widened and his blue eyes shined looked through the boy that sat before him.

"God, I remember this friend of mine. God I loved him." He turned to his younger as he continued. "He would always get into all kinds o' shit. He always dragged me into it too."

Laughter...

"Like this one time, I remembered when he and I was goin' gator fishin-"

"Is now really the best time old man?" Ellis was, needless to say, irritated. Why had this southerner have any right to talk up a storm about his dear old best friend anyway? To some stranger no less. What a dumb ass.

"Oh, ok..." The man looked sort of down that he wasn't able to finish his story but what did Ellis care. He was just some overly excited geezer who needed to know when he had to shut up.

But he seemed persistent to stay in his optimistic mood. Bouncing back ten fold he beamed a smile Ellis' way and continued to talk. "You know youngin' you remind me of this guy I once knew-"

"Oh really?" He was getting frustrated with his new 'roommate'. Frustration usually led to sarcasm and that was why his voice was seething with it.

"Yeah, god I miss Nick." A sigh escaped his lips as he looked down at his sheets with half lidded eyes.

Ellis froze.

Sweat began to form on his face. The cool air conditioned room suddenly began to heat up as he stared at the older man through widened and terrified eyes.

"N-Nick?" Dear god, he was going crazy, he could have sworn the man just said-

"Nick. Yes that's right Ellis." The man snickered. His cheery disposition changed suddenly. "If only he were still here Ellis, in flesh and blood that is?" The man stared daggers into Ellis' eyes.

Ellis coward underneath the gaze but for some odd reason, as though in a hypnotic trance, he couldn't look away.

"How d-do you k-know m-my name?" Fear gripped his voice as he began to shake.

"What do you think you stupid hick? Because I AM you!" Ellis looked straight into the eyes of the frightening figure.

Looking closely Ellis could see the distinct similarities in the face but it just couldn't be.

"No no no!" With much force he ripped his eyes away and curled himself into a tight ball. "No! You are NOT me!"

Ellis heard a familiar chuckle, followed by an all too familiar voice.

"You're right Ellis, I'm not you, I'm ME."

Horrified, Ellis looked back and what he saw shocked him, because he was not looking into the face if the elderly man anymore but that of Nick's.

Everything about him looked like Nick. The brown greased back hair and even down to the way his green eyes seemed to turn stale cold when he was angry.

This terrified Ellis. He hadn't seen the face of his loved one in so long and now to see it stare so sadistically at him, frightened him. This wasn't the real Nick, was it? It couldn't possibly be, right?

Maybe...

"No!" Ellis screamed, but it was mainly to himself. "You are NOT Nick! Nick would never look at me like that!" Ellis began to furiously shake his head, as though that alone could stop the pair of stale green eyes from piercing him.

He hid underneath his blankets to avoid those eyes.

But it didn't help. They would always be there. Pointing out ever error, every reason, every jugdement mistake the hick would and ever could make.

They were just...there.

Like the darkness.

It was just there too and he had long chosen to accept that. Just like he will have to accept those eyes too.

They were there.

But Ellis only trusted one of those two things, and its color wasn't emerald green.


End file.
